My post about whether it is okay to accept money from parents generated some thoughtful – and some angry – comments. So far 134 readers voted in the poll:
- 31 percent would accept money from parents only as a last resort
- 25 percent would do it if it made sense
- 19 percent regularly accept money/in-kind gifts from parents
- 16 percent would never take parental cash
- 7 percent have taken money in the past but don’t plan to again
Reader A resisted judging the situation:
Honestly, I think this is a very loaded topic and can’t easily be summarized in a quick and easy pick on an online poll. There are so many variables that factor into the decision or reality of accepting money from your parents — are you responsible with money yourself? are you parents actually not doing you a service by offering it to you? if eventually they are going to have a few million left when they die, might it be better for them to gift to you over time and now when it could be more helpful? are they giving equally to all the kids in the family? how does your spouse/partner feel about the gifts? I hope everyone realizes that it’s way more complicated a discussion than a quick click of “Are you kidding me? Absolutely not” or “Sure, if it made sense.”
Reader Bob took exception to my blog post, which also ran in the New Jersey Star-Ledger.
The fact that this title even made it into the business section sums up how bad entitlement issues to our children – of all ages – has become. Julia – How about writing an article titled “There’s no shame in moving into a more affordable neighborhood”, “There’s no shame in working a 2nd Job”, “There’ no shame in skipping a vacation”, or “There’s no shame in eating at home on Saturday nights”.
Blakely had a different take:
My inlaws paid for a cruise for my husband and I last year. This trip included my brother-in-law and girlfriend who couldn’t have gone in my inlaws had not paid. My husband had no problem accepting it.
I do believe most of us have accepted help/large gift from our parents at one time or another in our adult life. I think the problem comes when it becomes habitual instead of an occational thing.
Reader Myke says borrowing from parents is the way to go:
When my parents were alive I did deal with “HOME SAVINGS”. When I bought my car they loaned me money. I made up a payment schedule which included interest – usually the mid-point between what the bank wanted for the car loan and what my parents could get for their money leaving it in the bank. It was a win-win situation for both of us. I repaid every cent on time.
If you can’t live on what you make you may need to scale down your lifestyle and expectations. What will you do when your parents are dead and you are stuck paying for a funeral. It will be a very rude awakening for you when you have no inheritance to supplement your spending because you used it all up while your parents were still alive.
Remember, if your parents use up their savings cushion, they may have to move in with YOU!!!
Jenni P. hopes her parents won’t have to borrow from her:
The problem with our society (and why so many readers identify with BB’s website premise of saving money where we can) is that we tend to live beyond our means. My in-laws are in that category, trying to retire but not able to afford their lifestyle if they do. Their “golden” years will be a downsizing event of huge proportions. Their daughter is angry that very little money will be left for her to inherit. I’m not: as long as we don’t end up paying for THEM, we’ll all be happy.
Offbeat Photography/Flickr
A friend of mine lives in a part of the country where expenses are so high that nearly every couple works two high-paying jobs and still struggles financially. So how do they get buy?
The answer shocked me – they accept money from their parents.
“It’s not a matter of whether you do or do not accept money from your parents,” she said. “But how much.”
My friend was talking about more than simple birthday or Christmas gifts. For her and her friends, parental cash flow affects the household’s bottom line.
Some parents send a check every month. Others give generously at holidays, provide extensive child care, or pay for entire family vacations. Still other parents pay for school tutition or establish college funds for grand kids.
It can be difficult for grown adults to accept money from parents. Many people turn it down because of pride. Others are held up by particulars. Does there needs to be a written contract? How do you ask for more, or less? Most importantly, is it possible to have “no strings attached”?
A contract is not usually necessary, but depends on what everyone involved is comfortable with. Asking for more or less comes down to explaining the request and being able to accept the answer – and additional strings. Because after the agreement is made, what lingers is the strings.
Financial gifts nearly always come with strings attached. And the bigger the gift, the more strings there are.
For instance, my Mom used to send me $100-$300 every month in college. I had a family credit card for groceries, but everything else was on me – clothes, movies, subway tokens – and the paycheck from my part-time job didn’t go far. There were few strings attached to this money, partly because it was a relatively low dollar amount. (Though it did encourage me to call home every week.)
Years later when Hubby and I prepared to buy a condo, my Mom advanced me a large portion of my inheritance so that I could contribute to the downpayment. We wrote up a simple agreement about the terms and both kept a signed copy. The rules were very clear, which made it easier on both of us. The money came with one very strong string – it was not to be used for anything else.
Some years after the condo advance, my Mom offered another fiscal carrot. If I moved back to California (I remained in New York City after graduating) she would give me her car, worth about $10,000. The money came with a very clear string – a California address – and it was one I was happy to accept.
There is nothing wrong with taking money from parents as long as two conditions exisit. The support has got to benefit both sides (don’t take money from parents who can’t afford it). And both sides must agree to and accept the strings attached.
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I recently bought $29 worth of clothes at two thrift stores – Salvation Army and Goodwill – and each time I made my purchase I felt like I was taking advantage of a service that was meant for people earning much less than I earn. Not that I’m a Rockefeller, but I make a decent living.
On both shopping trips I saw people who fell into two camps:
- those shopping there out of necessity
- those wanting to get incredible prices
The presence of other bargain hunters didn’t make me feel any better about the shirts, dress, pants, and belt I paid $1.74-$4 each for. Shouldn’t these clothes be going to someone who really needs them? As opposed to me, who was looking for an all-yellow outfit for my Frisbee tournament this weekend (above, team colors).
In the past, readers have commented that if in my gut I feel I have done something wrong, I have. But I’m not so sure this time.
My uneasiness is less about committing a wrong than feeling like I was sucking up a limited resource. I can afford to pay more for clothes, therefore I should, leaving the Salvation Army and Goodwill selection to the poor.
Case in point, after purchasing a pair of black long johns ($4) and a pair of black sweat pants (also $4) from a man who compulsively snorted, I paid $10 to ice skate for 45 minutes, $2 for a bottle of water (forgot mine in my car), and $6 for a beer at a karaoke bar at a friend’s farewell party.
What do you think? Is it unethical to shop at thrift stores intended for poor people when you can afford to pay more?
UPDATE: Readers chimed in to say, for the most part, that my guilt was nonsense.
Living Doll said:
Release your guilt Bargain Babe. You are doing something good by shopping at thrift stores because you are helping support an organization that isn’t in it entirely for profitability. Most of these stores have loads of clothing that is reasonably priced for those less fortunate to purchase. You are not taking from them.
Laura admitted to twinges of guilt:
I love shopping at the thrift stores, and now my boys, away at college, do the same. I must admit though, I do feel a bit guilty, I take off my diamond ring before I go in, and I park my Volvo down the street! I do donate to them also.
Mimi questioned my aptitude:
You cannot be serious about this question. I think you are pulling our collective leg. Do you also feel guilty buying at garage sales, swap meets and flea markets? This has got to be a joke on readers who are ethically and morally challenged. I don’t believe you are so naive to ask the question with a straight face. But I could be wrong.
Actually Mimi, I was serious!
Audrey is succinct:
I agree with most of the posters. The program is not intended to provide clothing to the poor, but rather to generate funds for the outreach programs they provide.
Spencers Brook Farm/Flickr
A few Saturday’s ago my friend’s dog bit another dog – we think. She didn’t see it, but at the dog park her dog got in a scuffle with another dog that was aggressive towards yet another dog. (Dog 1 threatens Dog 2. Dog 3, a friend of Dog 2, charges Dog 1. Dog 1 ends up with a bite.)
The owner of the bitten pooch was very upset and started crying when she realized what had happened. My friend put her tail between her legs and immediately agreed to pay for a visit to the vet and shared info for her vet, which is open on the weekend.
The lady took her ailing pooch to the four-legged ER, where she ordered x-rays and treatment that required the dog to be knocked out. The emergency vet also cleaned the wound, gave the pooch two stitches, and dressed the wound. The total bill?
$584. Ruff!
My friend stuck to her agreement to pay the bill in full, partly because the woman seemed crazy and my friend wanted nothing more to do with her. She had the lady sign a waiver saying if she paid for the vet bill the lady would never hassle her again.
Then it came time to write the big fat check. My friend took a closer look at the ginormous vet bill and found the woman had specially ordered a slew of tests, including blood work to check for glucose levels. What the???
“Maybe it was to make sure your dog didn’t give hers rabies?” I said.
“No, that’s not it. I called my vet so she could confirm my dog is rabies-free.”
“Oh, well…”
“She’s just crazy.”
My friend debated whether she should still pay the entire $584 or whether she should knock off $144 for the blood work.
“How much do you want NOT to deal with this anymore?” I asked.
“A lot.” My friend decided to pay the $144 in the interest of goodwill and went to work.
Two hours later she called me.
“I can’t do it. I can’t pay the extra $144.”
“Why not?”
“It has nothing to do with the dog bite,” she said. “She’s taking advantage of me.”
So my friend wrote the crazy lady a conciliatory and polite note pointing out she had specially requested the blood work above and beyond the vet’s treatment. Because it was unrelated to treating the wound she would withhold payment for now on the $144. Instead, she put a check for $440 in the mail.
Who is responsible for the dog bill? What would you have done?
UPDATE: Readers are very split about how much of the bill my friend should paw, er foot.
Patricia would not pay for the bloodwork:
I think paying for half of the bill, not including the blood work would be fine. The crazy lady was just trying to see how much she could get away with that day.
But Sharon says past experience would make her pay up in full:
In order to get done with it she did the right thing paying the bill. My friends dog bit another dog and the two people argued over the bill well my friend wrote a check for half. The person did not cash it instead took her to court where the judge found for the woman who’s dog was bittin. It would have been cheaper for my friend to pay the full bill because that is what she ended up doing plus losing a day for court and paying for the other womens court costs. Get rid of crazy people as fast as you can 144 seems like a lot but taking off a day and going to court is not worth it.
A friend of mine recently took a weekend trip to visit a state she had never been to and stayed with friends for two nights. The accommodations were as good as a top name hotel, the homemade meals delicious, and the hosts gracious. So what’s her problem?
Her hosts paid for EVERYTHING. Breakfast at Starbucks, groceries for meals at home, gasoline for the 2.5-hour drive to see a national monument, and dinner at a restaurant on the way back. They wouldn’t let her pay for ANYTHING.
“How hard do you insist on paying?” she asked me.
“It depends on the circumstances,” I said. “How do you know these people, again?”
She described them as long time family friends.
“Are they the type of people who enjoy paying for everything?” I asked.
“Yes, but we wanted to pay for something, at least symbolically,” she said. “But they wouldn’t let us.”
Now she’s back from vacation and having been treated at every chance she’s not sure what to do.
Loading ...If you voted to send a gift, how much would you spend?
Irene’s comment about the waitress debacle really struck me:
If you compromise your integrity because of peer pressure, you’re on a slippery slope. Your blog and your readers depend on your honesty, so get back on track by admitting the error, returning the money to the owner, and being scrupulously honest in the future.
Her point is that my actions extend beyond merely misbehaving in a social setting. My actions set an unprofessional precedent for BargainBabe, which absolutely requires total honesty.
I publicly confessed that I gave into peer pressure when my friends dismissed my suggestion to let the waitress know she undercharged us by $11 for two beers. But that admission – and the flogging that followed – is not enough. I must make right the wrong.
I’m heading by the BBQ joint on Saturday and intend to hand over $15 (which accounts for tax, tip and interest!) to the waitress or the manager. How does humble pie taste? I’m going to find out.
Related:
A better credit system up north? (comment of the week)
The value of art (comment of the week)
Ads suck? (comment of the week)
