Gwenypics/Flickr
I’ve been feeling generous towards a low-income friend lately. Not that he needs any help, but I am able to give it. I’m not interested in giving this friend a loan, but I’m considering subsidizing various activities with him, like picking up the lunch tab or treating him to a movie.
The prospect of giving gifts to a friend outside of Christmas, birthdays, and special occasions makes me nervous. Is this even appropriate? Will I hurt his pride? I called etiquette expert Nancy Mitchell for tips. Here’s what she advised.
What are the rules when it comes to giving gifts to friends?
I think the number one rule is to know the friend and know how to proceed. Would the person be wiling to accept things or is the person extremely proud and you’ll have to use subterfuge?
Let’s start with the person who may be very proud and not be willing to take what they think is charity. You can call them up and say, I got a gift certificate to a restaurant or theater. I would love to have you come with me, are you available? They might not have to know you went out and bought the gift certificate yourself.
Or say, Someone gave me two tickets to the hockey game. Would you like to go? If you had a friend who had children, give child care once and a while. I’d love to babysit sometime. Can I babysit and give you an evening out? Or say ‘I’ve got too much of a certain product. Pass things on, share some of the wealth. Offer to share frequent flyer miles.
Is it ethical to give gifts like this to friends who, if they knew the whole story, would say no?
I think it is because you don’t have an ulterior motive. You are giving from your heart and you are showing great sensitivity to someone’s situation. It’s not going to hurt anyone, it’s going to help.
What are the no-nos of giving?
You would never let anyone in on the secret. It’s between you and whoever is the recipient. Because if the cat got out of the bag there could be some hard feelings.
What about if your friend is open to receiving gifts? (more…)
Reader Debra wins my review copy of Creative Unemployment: How To Transcend Job Loss
I would love to read this book. I have been looking for work since the end of April – it is very emotionally draining.
I hope this book helps you get through this difficult time, Debra. If you missed my review of the book, author Harlan Kidwell Jr. focuses on the emotional journey that follows getting laid off. One thing that comes up often – even when you have a job – is how to talk about money with friends who want to spend more than you do. Socializing can be a minefield when you are cutting back!
To reduce spending, go over your budget again or attend a totally free swap meet.
Charkrem/Flickr
Who has the biggest spending regret of them all? Reader Vikki fell prey to a pair of too-small shoes, which I completely sympathize with.
Have you ever loved a pair of shoes and just knew you had to have them?! I recently bought a pair I had been eyeing for some time. Unfortunately, they didn’t have my size at that time. Knowing I couldn’t wait any longer to have them and afraid they would be gone, I went ahead and bought them a half size smaller than I normally wear! Needless to say, after one wearing, I realize I can’t wear them again but they sure look pretty sitting on the floor!! I should have waited…
I’ve put my size 10 feet through this ordeal, unfortunately. Once, however, I successfully stretched out a pair of size 9 leather walking boots over three painful months. Now they fit like a glove!
Vikki wins a hot pink BargainBabe.com T-shirt for sharing her spending regret. This contest started with my decision to single out one purchase on my credit card bill each month that I regretted. I hope that reviewing my bill with a critical eye will reduce my credit card spending and help me stay on budget. Unfortunately, I can’t return the item – it cost me $8.10 in shipping but was otherwise “free!”
This post is brought to you by CouponCactus.com, a great source of online coupon codes for taxes, groceries, and more.
My spending has gone crazy over the past few months. A new set of gears for my bike ($90), yards of brown suede for new curtains ($88), two new outfits for a trip to NYC ($152), and a pricey sushi lunch ($34).
Sure, I have reasons behind each purchase (I’m doing a race in May that requires additional gears, buying fabric is cheaper than buying curtains, I had a gift card and a rare coupon for the clothing store, and I hadn’t seen my friend in months), but this kind of spending is not sustainable.
My credit card bill, which I pay off in full each month, has risen on average by a few hundred dollars. Not good. Here are two things I’m doing to shift my habits downward.
1. I only buy groceries on Wednesday. I started this two weeks ago and it has made me more aware of how much money I’m spending on food because it is easier to remember my total purchases from one day. Two weeks ago I spent $92 at Trader Joe’s, which included many staple items, beer, and wine. Last week I spent $27 on groceries. My target weekly grocery spending is $25.
Toward the end of the cycle I challenge myself to create tasty meals with what is left and finish off the last vegetables before they go bad. There is a lot you can do with beans, onions, and garlic!
2. I single out an item on my credit card statement that I didn’t have to buy. This month the dubious honor goes to an $8.10 purchase at Stamps.com. I got sucked into their $100 offer for newbies: sign up and get a $5 supplies kit, $45 in free postage (which is strung out over four months), and a free $50 postage scale (which actually sells for about $20 and is useless after my 30-day trial period unless I join Stamps.com for $16 a month).
I don’t buy enough business postage to make it worthwhile to join Stamps.com for $16 a month. So when I read the fine print the $100 sign-up package evaporated into nothing. At that point, I had already spent $8.10 to get the “free” scale mailed to me. Blerg!
I wish I had been more skeptical of the $100 intro offer, which really was too good to be true. Being greedy cost me $8.10.
What do you wish you hadn’t bought in the past month? Leave a comment and the reader with the best story wins a hot pink BargainBabe.com T-shirt, above. There are only about a dozen left!
My post about whether it is okay to accept money from parents generated some thoughtful – and some angry – comments. So far 134 readers voted in the poll:
- 31 percent would accept money from parents only as a last resort
- 25 percent would do it if it made sense
- 19 percent regularly accept money/in-kind gifts from parents
- 16 percent would never take parental cash
- 7 percent have taken money in the past but don’t plan to again
Reader A resisted judging the situation:
Honestly, I think this is a very loaded topic and can’t easily be summarized in a quick and easy pick on an online poll. There are so many variables that factor into the decision or reality of accepting money from your parents — are you responsible with money yourself? are you parents actually not doing you a service by offering it to you? if eventually they are going to have a few million left when they die, might it be better for them to gift to you over time and now when it could be more helpful? are they giving equally to all the kids in the family? how does your spouse/partner feel about the gifts? I hope everyone realizes that it’s way more complicated a discussion than a quick click of “Are you kidding me? Absolutely not” or “Sure, if it made sense.”
Reader Bob took exception to my blog post, which also ran in the New Jersey Star-Ledger.
The fact that this title even made it into the business section sums up how bad entitlement issues to our children – of all ages – has become. Julia – How about writing an article titled “There’s no shame in moving into a more affordable neighborhood”, “There’s no shame in working a 2nd Job”, “There’ no shame in skipping a vacation”, or “There’s no shame in eating at home on Saturday nights”.
Blakely had a different take:
My inlaws paid for a cruise for my husband and I last year. This trip included my brother-in-law and girlfriend who couldn’t have gone in my inlaws had not paid. My husband had no problem accepting it.
I do believe most of us have accepted help/large gift from our parents at one time or another in our adult life. I think the problem comes when it becomes habitual instead of an occational thing.
Reader Myke says borrowing from parents is the way to go:
When my parents were alive I did deal with “HOME SAVINGS”. When I bought my car they loaned me money. I made up a payment schedule which included interest – usually the mid-point between what the bank wanted for the car loan and what my parents could get for their money leaving it in the bank. It was a win-win situation for both of us. I repaid every cent on time.
If you can’t live on what you make you may need to scale down your lifestyle and expectations. What will you do when your parents are dead and you are stuck paying for a funeral. It will be a very rude awakening for you when you have no inheritance to supplement your spending because you used it all up while your parents were still alive.
Remember, if your parents use up their savings cushion, they may have to move in with YOU!!!
Jenni P. hopes her parents won’t have to borrow from her:
The problem with our society (and why so many readers identify with BB’s website premise of saving money where we can) is that we tend to live beyond our means. My in-laws are in that category, trying to retire but not able to afford their lifestyle if they do. Their “golden” years will be a downsizing event of huge proportions. Their daughter is angry that very little money will be left for her to inherit. I’m not: as long as we don’t end up paying for THEM, we’ll all be happy.
Offbeat Photography/Flickr
A friend of mine lives in a part of the country where expenses are so high that nearly every couple works two high-paying jobs and still struggles financially. So how do they get buy?
The answer shocked me – they accept money from their parents.
“It’s not a matter of whether you do or do not accept money from your parents,” she said. “But how much.”
My friend was talking about more than simple birthday or Christmas gifts. For her and her friends, parental cash flow affects the household’s bottom line.
Some parents send a check every month. Others give generously at holidays, provide extensive child care, or pay for entire family vacations. Still other parents pay for school tutition or establish college funds for grand kids.
It can be difficult for grown adults to accept money from parents. Many people turn it down because of pride. Others are held up by particulars. Does there needs to be a written contract? How do you ask for more, or less? Most importantly, is it possible to have “no strings attached”?
A contract is not usually necessary, but depends on what everyone involved is comfortable with. Asking for more or less comes down to explaining the request and being able to accept the answer – and additional strings. Because after the agreement is made, what lingers is the strings.
Financial gifts nearly always come with strings attached. And the bigger the gift, the more strings there are.
For instance, my Mom used to send me $100-$300 every month in college. I had a family credit card for groceries, but everything else was on me – clothes, movies, subway tokens – and the paycheck from my part-time job didn’t go far. There were few strings attached to this money, partly because it was a relatively low dollar amount. (Though it did encourage me to call home every week.)
Years later when Hubby and I prepared to buy a condo, my Mom advanced me a large portion of my inheritance so that I could contribute to the downpayment. We wrote up a simple agreement about the terms and both kept a signed copy. The rules were very clear, which made it easier on both of us. The money came with one very strong string – it was not to be used for anything else.
Some years after the condo advance, my Mom offered another fiscal carrot. If I moved back to California (I remained in New York City after graduating) she would give me her car, worth about $10,000. The money came with a very clear string – a California address – and it was one I was happy to accept.
There is nothing wrong with taking money from parents as long as two conditions exisit. The support has got to benefit both sides (don’t take money from parents who can’t afford it). And both sides must agree to and accept the strings attached.
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viZZual.com/Flickr
I was shopping with a girlfriend who at the end of our jaunt checked the time and said “I hope I didn’t get a parking ticket!”
“How much money did you put in the meter,” I asked.
“36 minutes.”
I tried to hide my scowl. I hoped for her sake that she didn’t get a ticket, but I was exasperated that she had not forked over one or two extra quarters for peace of mind.
We reached her car. Phew, no ticket. I hugged my friend goodbye and walked onto my car, where the patient meter read 45 minutes. At a dollar an hour, I had put in $.75 extra.
My friend had gotten away with paying less for parking and I couldn’t help but wonder if my $.75 a waste – or a wise investment? Is it always financially savvy to overfeed the meter? Or is it wiser to save my coins and risk getting a ticket?
I did one calculation to figure it out.
1. Say you park at a meter once a week and put in an extra 45 minutes – $.75 on many Los Angeles meters – each time. That means you are putting in an extra $39 a year ($.75 x 52 weeks). If a parking tickets costs $40, that means you can overfeed the meter for an entire year and still come up ahead (by $1).
But how often do you get caught for under feeding? I guesstimate that the meter maid catches me about one in 10 times I underfeed. If I underfed a meter once a week for a year, I would save that $39 in extra quarters but end up with five parking tickets, one every 10 weeks. (If you think you get caught more often or less often by the meter maid, then change how many tickets per year you would receive.) At $40 each my tickets would total $200, a net loss of $161.
Clearly, it makes a lot of sense to generously overpay the meter.
Run this calculation for your hometown meter and ticket prices using this formula:
the cost of putting an extra 45 minutes in the meter x 52 weeks = yearly cost of over feeding the meter
the cost of five parking tickets in your hometown – yearly cost of over feeding = how much you can save by over feeding
UPDATE: Reader Mira says:
In Long Beach, tickets are $44!! It takes A LOT of extra coins pumped in to get to that amount! (Like 660!! 440 nickels + 220 dimes!) Don’t chance it. I find I don’t need to add 45 extra minutes, even 12 or 15 extra minutes gives a nice cushion — depends on what you’re doing that day.
This post is brought to you by the Gold Pawn Shop. Interested in an ad? Read my advertise page.
Remember that survey I blogged about awhile ago that determined where you fell on the spendthrift-tightwad spectrum? Well I just got my results. The survey conductors at the University of Michigan said:
We needed to wait until the study was complete before notifying participants, and the study ran longer than expected. I’m writing to let you know your score on the Spendthrift-Tightwad scale and to put it in some context.
Scale scores range from 4 to 26. We typically classify those with scores from 4 to 11 as tightwads; 12 to 18 as unconflicted consumers; and 19 to 26 as spendthrifts.
Your survey responses place you on the TIGHTWAD portion of the Spendthrift-Tightwad dimension.
Although the proportions differ from sample to sample…we generally find that 25% of respondents are categorized as tightwads, 60% as unconflicted consumers, and 15% as spendthrifts.
I belong to a minority of people who don’t spend money even when I should, according to these results. Bah humbug! I like saving money. But it is true. I save money even when I really shouldn’t. Case in point: my stash of 8 gift cards totaling $411.
On the other hand, I buy plenty of high-quality goods that cost a pretty penny. Last month I bought myself a fleece from the North Face Outlet that cost just over $100. I am a tightwad who lets loose on occasion.
Did anybody else take the survey? What were your results? It’s not too late to take the survey. If you didn’t take the survey, what group would you put yourself in?
Spendthrifts over spend.
Unconflicted consumers have few issues about spending money.
Tightwads hold onto their money more than they should.
I recently bought $29 worth of clothes at two thrift stores – Salvation Army and Goodwill – and each time I made my purchase I felt like I was taking advantage of a service that was meant for people earning much less than I earn. Not that I’m a Rockefeller, but I make a decent living.
On both shopping trips I saw people who fell into two camps:
- those shopping there out of necessity
- those wanting to get incredible prices
The presence of other bargain hunters didn’t make me feel any better about the shirts, dress, pants, and belt I paid $1.74-$4 each for. Shouldn’t these clothes be going to someone who really needs them? As opposed to me, who was looking for an all-yellow outfit for my Frisbee tournament this weekend (above, team colors).
In the past, readers have commented that if in my gut I feel I have done something wrong, I have. But I’m not so sure this time.
My uneasiness is less about committing a wrong than feeling like I was sucking up a limited resource. I can afford to pay more for clothes, therefore I should, leaving the Salvation Army and Goodwill selection to the poor.
Case in point, after purchasing a pair of black long johns ($4) and a pair of black sweat pants (also $4) from a man who compulsively snorted, I paid $10 to ice skate for 45 minutes, $2 for a bottle of water (forgot mine in my car), and $6 for a beer at a karaoke bar at a friend’s farewell party.
What do you think? Is it unethical to shop at thrift stores intended for poor people when you can afford to pay more?
UPDATE: Readers chimed in to say, for the most part, that my guilt was nonsense.
Living Doll said:
Release your guilt Bargain Babe. You are doing something good by shopping at thrift stores because you are helping support an organization that isn’t in it entirely for profitability. Most of these stores have loads of clothing that is reasonably priced for those less fortunate to purchase. You are not taking from them.
Laura admitted to twinges of guilt:
I love shopping at the thrift stores, and now my boys, away at college, do the same. I must admit though, I do feel a bit guilty, I take off my diamond ring before I go in, and I park my Volvo down the street! I do donate to them also.
Mimi questioned my aptitude:
You cannot be serious about this question. I think you are pulling our collective leg. Do you also feel guilty buying at garage sales, swap meets and flea markets? This has got to be a joke on readers who are ethically and morally challenged. I don’t believe you are so naive to ask the question with a straight face. But I could be wrong.
Actually Mimi, I was serious!
Audrey is succinct:
I agree with most of the posters. The program is not intended to provide clothing to the poor, but rather to generate funds for the outreach programs they provide.
I read a striking statistic today. Spending on food and drinks is supposed to increase by 11.6 percent this holiday season – greater than any other category measured in a survey conducted by marketing firm IBISWorld. Total spending on gifts is shrinking by 2.6 percent.
That means the food at your friend’s holiday party is going to kick ass, but she won’t be giving you a present. To be fair, during this holiday season total spending on gifts ($82 billion) still whomps spending on food ($28 billion). But still – people are pulling back dramatically on gifts. The recession is over, folks!
“More people are pulling back the need to shop for unnecessary goods,” said Toon van Beeck, an analyst at IBISWorld. “It’s not all about giving someone a gift, but going back towards family values and spending time with friends.”
I’m curious if the BargainBabe.com community is pulling back their gift giving, or defying the trend.
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Spencers Brook Farm/Flickr
A few Saturday’s ago my friend’s dog bit another dog – we think. She didn’t see it, but at the dog park her dog got in a scuffle with another dog that was aggressive towards yet another dog. (Dog 1 threatens Dog 2. Dog 3, a friend of Dog 2, charges Dog 1. Dog 1 ends up with a bite.)
The owner of the bitten pooch was very upset and started crying when she realized what had happened. My friend put her tail between her legs and immediately agreed to pay for a visit to the vet and shared info for her vet, which is open on the weekend.
The lady took her ailing pooch to the four-legged ER, where she ordered x-rays and treatment that required the dog to be knocked out. The emergency vet also cleaned the wound, gave the pooch two stitches, and dressed the wound. The total bill?
$584. Ruff!
My friend stuck to her agreement to pay the bill in full, partly because the woman seemed crazy and my friend wanted nothing more to do with her. She had the lady sign a waiver saying if she paid for the vet bill the lady would never hassle her again.
Then it came time to write the big fat check. My friend took a closer look at the ginormous vet bill and found the woman had specially ordered a slew of tests, including blood work to check for glucose levels. What the???
“Maybe it was to make sure your dog didn’t give hers rabies?” I said.
“No, that’s not it. I called my vet so she could confirm my dog is rabies-free.”
“Oh, well…”
“She’s just crazy.”
My friend debated whether she should still pay the entire $584 or whether she should knock off $144 for the blood work.
“How much do you want NOT to deal with this anymore?” I asked.
“A lot.” My friend decided to pay the $144 in the interest of goodwill and went to work.
Two hours later she called me.
“I can’t do it. I can’t pay the extra $144.”
“Why not?”
“It has nothing to do with the dog bite,” she said. “She’s taking advantage of me.”
So my friend wrote the crazy lady a conciliatory and polite note pointing out she had specially requested the blood work above and beyond the vet’s treatment. Because it was unrelated to treating the wound she would withhold payment for now on the $144. Instead, she put a check for $440 in the mail.
Who is responsible for the dog bill? What would you have done?
UPDATE: Readers are very split about how much of the bill my friend should paw, er foot.
Patricia would not pay for the bloodwork:
I think paying for half of the bill, not including the blood work would be fine. The crazy lady was just trying to see how much she could get away with that day.
But Sharon says past experience would make her pay up in full:
In order to get done with it she did the right thing paying the bill. My friends dog bit another dog and the two people argued over the bill well my friend wrote a check for half. The person did not cash it instead took her to court where the judge found for the woman who’s dog was bittin. It would have been cheaper for my friend to pay the full bill because that is what she ended up doing plus losing a day for court and paying for the other womens court costs. Get rid of crazy people as fast as you can 144 seems like a lot but taking off a day and going to court is not worth it.
The unemployment rate rose to 10.2 percent, up from 9.8 percent and the highest rate since 1983. Technically the country is no longer in a recession but 15.7 million Americans are out of work, including 190,000 people who lost their job last month, KPCC reports.
“Counting those who have settled for part-time jobs or stopped looking for work, the unemployment rate would be 17.5 percent, the highest on records dating from 1994,” the story says.
Several friends of mine have lost their jobs in the past year and I’m wondering at this point does anybody NOT know someone who has been laid off?
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I bought the shoes! The shoe guy stretched out my pink sole mates in the right foot so they fit much better. Still need a little wearing in, but I think they’ll be just fine.
And yes, I asked for 50 percent off and he couldn’t help me out. Believe me I made my case – gently – more than once. In the end I decided paying $111 (orig $170) for the pair – that’s 40 percent off – was worth it.
However, the entire experience brought up a major spending issue. Here’s what happened.
When the salesman rung me up it was well after noon.
“This is my first sale of the day,” he said.
“You’re kidding,” I said.
“Nope, and it’s like this at the other stores, too.”
“But the entire store is 30 percent off,” I said, pointing to a newly-posted sign.
“I know.”
I couldn’t help but wonder if shoppers have gotten so used to getting 20 or 30 percent off that nothing seems like a deal until the price is at least half off. I mean, even 40 percent off on a pair of shoes I loved wasn’t enough to push me to purchase them on the spot!
Are all the sales and coupons making us desensitized to discounts?
There are shoes. And then there are sole mates. On my way home from New York City I found the perfect pair of pink shoes – but I’m not sure if I should buy them.
I had time to kill before meeting a friend who had my car keys so I walked into O’My Sole in Marina Del Rey. A store employee immediately asked if I was looking for anything in particular.
“Nope, just browsing,” I said, dropping my heavy bags in the nearest corner.
“If you need anything, let me know.”
I nodded and began my slow dance around the room, ogling the beautiful leather footwear. I was on the last table when I saw them.
Adorable pink heels. Perfect for work but sassy enough for going out. Covered toes so I don’t have to worry about grubby toenails. And the moderate heel meant comfort was a possibility. Unfortunately, I couldn’t take a picture because I lost my iPhone in New York.
As soon as I picked them up, the salesman sounded disappointed.
“That’s our last pair,” he said.
“Oh, darn.”
“You aren’t a size 10 are you?”
Since when does the last pair ever come in my size?!! Like, never.
“I am!”
“I’ll give you 20 percent off if you take them,” he said before fetching the match.
“Really?”
“You don’t know how hard it is to find a woman in size 10 you wears heels. I’ve been trying to get rid of these for six months.”
I knew a bargain was in the offing. But if they weren’t comfortable, it wouldn’t matter.
I sat down, took off my sweaty socks and boots. Slid the heels on. Please be comfy, I thought. Inhaled and stood up.
The leather rubbed against my right big toe in two places. Not good. But God, were they gorgeous.
I strolled around the floor. Rolled up my jeans and took a good look in the mirror. Possibly the best most perfect pair of shoes ever.
“I love these shoes,” I said.
“I’ll give you 30 percent off,” he offered.
“But they are too tight in the right foot.”
“How uncomfortable are they?”
“I’m trying to decide,” I said, taking a few more laps around the store. “The thing is as soon as I saw them I thought these shoes were made for me. AND I have someplace I can wear them this week.”
“I’ll give you 40 percent off,” he said. “With tax that comes to $111, marked down from $170.” (The shoe brand, El Natura Lista is European and earth-friendly.)
Still a lot of money. I kept pacing the store. He was offering me a great deal on a high quality pair of shoes that I loved and that would go perfect with jeans, skirts, and especially my pink Bargain Babe T-shirt that I wear to business events. I’ve been wanting to replace my business-y heels for a few months, and these could double as going out shoes.
But the toe nagged. “Does the leather stretch?”
“I can stretch them overnight and you can come back tomorrow,” he said.
“Is there an extra charge for that?”
“No, and if that doesn’t help you don’t have to buy them,” he said.
“Deal.”
So my (perhaps) perfect pink shoes await me. I’m going back to the store on Wednesday to try them on again. If you were me, would you buy them?
UPDATE: The overwhelming consensus is that I should buy the pink shoes.
Reader Jill says:
Heck yeah! Try em on, do your laps, hem and ha a little, then work him for 50% off. You know how to work it girl!
Do you disagree? Speak up now! And for the record, I asked if he could make it $100 even and he looked at his computer and shook his head. But I’ll ask him again tomorrow.
In Good Times and Bad: Strengthening Your Relationship When the Going Gets Tough and the Money Gets Tight wins a prize for longest title ever. It’s also a sensible approach to dealing with and talking through relationship stress caused by money.
In three parts, 12 chapters and 260 pages, authors and spouses M. Gary Neuman and Melisa Neuman mix lessons with anecdotes from years of counseling patients. The book offers tips for how to talk to your kids about money, exercises to discover how you relate to money, and steps to talk through fights about finances.
The Neumans offer this six-step process to solving problems:
1. Discuss how you wish things had turned out.
2. Outline the way you wanted to reach your goal.
3. Talk only about what your goal is.
4. Explore every other possible way to reach this goal than the way you’ve been trying.
5. Decide whcih new, creative paths seem most likely to get you to this goal.
6. Begin putting all your energy into that new path while keeping yourself open to every other path that could get you to your goal.
Sounds like good advice! Leave a comment on this post by Thursday night to win my review copy. Or buy the book for $18.68 from Amazon.
